


I Didn’t Mean It

by BrandNewWings



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Armin Arlert, Child Eren Yeager, Dorks in Love, Eremin - Freeform, Eren Is a Little Shit, Eren went too far, Fuck chapter 112, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Older Armin Arlert, Older Eren Yeager, POV Eren Yeager, Poor Armin, Protective Eren, Sad Armin, Sad Eren, armin becomes cold, armin becomes heartless, eren really tries to make things better, eren save your boyfriend, hurt armin, there are some spoilers but not incredibly so, theres no probably, they most definitely are, they probably be out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 15:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18875668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrandNewWings/pseuds/BrandNewWings
Summary: There have been times where Eren went too far during an argument with Armin. But the last argument was borderline cruel. Eren tries to fix things.





	I Didn’t Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I typed up at 3am instead of sleeping because fuck my health. 👌 
> 
> If you have any requests or recommendations, that’d be stellar!
> 
> Come say hi on Tumblr!
> 
> @BrandNewWings

Eren and Armin have always had fights growing up. That’s just how relationships grow. If people never argue every once in a while, then something isn’t right. But the two have also had fights that went a little too far, resulting in one of them very hurt. Eren was usually the cause of these types of conflicts as he’s never been able to keep his anger in control. He’s a passionate person who speaks before thinking things through unlike Armin, who is constantly analyzing the world around him and acting accordingly.

They had an argument back when they were little. Eren went below the belt and said some harsh things about Armin’s late parents.

‘You’re so annoying! Maybe that’s why your parents left!’

Those were his exact words. Eren’s mom yanked him by the arm and scolded him fiercely. Nothing she said could compare to the amount of self-loathing Eren was already experiencing. It all hit him once the brunette cooled off and thought clearly. The image of Armin running away crying after Eren’s words left the brunette with unbearable regret and anxiety that ate at him until he made things right. Being another bully instead of fighting the bullies left a bad taste in his mouth. So much so that Eren wanted to vomit.

He found Armin by the river sniveling and wiping his nose on the back of his shirt sleeve. Eren’s heart clenched, and he slung himself against his childhood friend from behind. The force almost made them topple into the river. Arms wrapped around Armin’s shoulders, legs hugged his hips and waist, and face buried in the junction of a pale neck and shoulder. Their positions imitated Armin giving Eren a piggyback ride while sitting down. The older boy looked like a kicked puppy. He kept murmuring, “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean it” over and over again.

He held onto Armin for dear life while the blond kept trying to push Eren off of him, but the brunette never let go. Not until Armin forgave him. The thought of having Armin hate him made living excruciating. He didn’t want a world without Armin by his side.

This happened again after the fall of Shinganshina, and Eren took his anger and grief out on Armin. The way Armin’s eyes widened and dulled at Eren’s accusations of being like a parasite, making Armin feel so small and worthless, shook Eren’s foundation. Eren’s brows furrowed in remorse as soon as the words left his tongue. Mikasa’s punch wasn’t enough to make the dread settling in his stomach go away. Eren could already tell that something changed in Armin after that, and the brunette can’t forgive himself for being the cause of that change.

After that, the blond refused any help from Eren or Mikasa. He faced the guards and starving crowds on his own when getting food. If he had nightmares, he simply curled in on himself and tried going back to sleep. When Armin’s grandfather was sent to reclaim the walls, the blond tried to put on a brave face and act like he was fine. It broke Eren’s heart to watch Armin suffer alone like this. Not rely on him anymore. To feel like he can’t come to Eren for anything. To feel like he has to take on the world alone. A wall has been put up between them now and it’s all Eren’s fault.

It was when Armin learned of his grandfather’s death that Eren couldn’t stand by and watch anymore. Armin needed him even if he refused to admit it. The brunette searched and found Armin sitting against a wall, hugging the hat his last relative gave to him. The smaller boy was sniffling and trying to keep his sobs quiet. Armin jumped when Eren sat beside him. The former hastily wiped his eyes and gave a quivering smile.

“Eren-,” Armin doesn’t get to finish before Eren wraps his arms around his best friend’s waist and drags Armin onto his lap, cradling the blond’s head to his chest and shoulder. “Eren?”

“I’m sorry,” Eren apologizes, burying his face in Armin’s golden hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Armin hiccups. He couldn’t do it anymore. He breaks down and sobs, clenching onto Eren’s shirt like a lifeline, soaking up any and all reassurances and comforts Eren provides.

“I’m so sorry, Armin. I’m sorry,” Eren rubs Armin’s back. “I’m sorry.”

The many meanings behind those apologies didn’t miss Armin. He understood and forgave Eren once more. The younger still didn’t rely on him and Mikasa as much as he used to though. There are some things better left unsaid, and it only became worse as Armin got older. He kept more problems to himself than vocalizing them. He spared Eren and Mikasa from his worries and anxieties. The lasting effects of poor choice words.

So now, after the battles and wars are finally over, Eren and Armin stand before each other, grown up. Eren’s hair is long and pulled back into a messy bun. He’s covered in faint, white scars. His hands are calloused from years of labor. Eren’s grown and now towers over Armin. Faint signs of facial hair growing back after being cut in the morning show along Eren’s jaws, chin, and upper lip. The brunette is the image of a man who can now breathe after years of struggle and suffering.

As for the other man, Armin’s hair is cut short with an under shave style. His eyes have become a lifeless ocean blue. The innocent hope, now gone. That light for the future, extinguished. The color now reminiscent of denim - dull and rough. Those beautiful eyes have aged a decade too fast. There are faint, premature wrinkles around the corners of his eyes despite being only in his twenties. The bags under said eyes are darker than any sunset from pouring himself day and night over strategies. They’re from staying up many nights knowing the people who died, died because of him. Armin is no longer the same kid he knew back in Shinganshina. He’s a man - a soldier who just survived hell on earth without his best friend there to help keep him together. A man who’s shut himself off from everyone, including Mikasa.

Things have greatly changed between them. War has taken not only their loved ones away, but also their friendship. Eren went too far that time. It wasn’t just words spoken, but also the use of physical altercations. Armin took the first swing, but Eren kept going and wouldn’t stop. Continuing to throw punch after punch with a mixture of verbal abuse and humiliation. He left Armin broken in a jail cell in the name of “freedom”. Now, that word is poison on his tongue. And this time, Eren didn’t immediately go to Armin and apologize like he normally would’ve. This pain festered for years. It metastasized. It twisted and distorted.

Of course, the whole thing was a ruse to gain Zeke’s trust and further his plans to stop the war and rid the planet of titans, but Armin and Mikasa didn’t know that at the time. They figured it out eventually, but damage is still damage. There are things that can’t be undone and shaken off. The pain is still there - the emotional and mental scarring.

“Jaeger,” Armin nods in greeting. Eren’s eyes narrow at the choice of name.

“Armin,” Eren nods back and rests a hand on his own hip, falling into a casual stance. He can’t help the smirk at Armin’s eye twitch.

“You will refer to me as Arlert,” Armin hisses. “You’ve lost the right to call me so familiarly.”

“Right. So, Armin-,” Armin sighs and rubs his forehead.

“What do you want, Jaeger?” Armin asks.

“To try again,” Eren answers. Armin’s head snaps up to glare at him. The brunette shivers at the cold, calculating stare.

“Don’t fuck with me,” Armin clenches a fist.

“I’m not. I want us to be friends again. Go back to how we were,” Eren says. “I miss you, Armin.”

“That’s not possible,” Armin shakes his head.

“Sure it is! I mean, it’ll take some time obviously but-,” Eren sounds so hopeful, and it pisses Armin off.

“It’s not that simple, Jaeger!” Armin snaps. He still refuses to call Eren by his name. “I can’t just let go of that!”

“You know I didn’t mean any of that back then! It was an act!” Eren’s voice begins to rise. He still has a horrible grasp of controlling his anger.

“Even so, things can’t just “go back to the way they used to be”. We went through a war, Jaeger. We watched people die. We’ve changed. We aren’t the same. And now when I look at you, all I feel is uncontrollable hate and disgust,” Armin crinkles his nose to strength his point.

“Is that why you’ve abandoned everyone? You hate them too so you’ve been pushing them away? Even Mikasa?” Eren asks, gesturing his words with his hands.

“That’s not it,” Armin clicks his tongue.

“Then what is it?” Eren pushes.

“None of your business, Jaeger,” Armin’s becoming defensive.

“You made Mikasa cry. It’s absolutely my business. I’m not asking, Armin. Tell me what’s going on with you,” Eren says solemnly. His jaw is set.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Armin dismisses Eren again.

“You’re acting like a brat...no. You’re acting like me from back then,” Eren says.

“Hurts doesn’t it?” A supercilious smile tugs at Armin’s lips.

“At least I was acting. You’re being serious. So who’s worse?” Eren challenges him.

“I don’t care who’s worse, Jaeger. I actually couldn’t care less about any of you, so I guess I did leave because I hate them. Huh,” Armin says this so nonchalantly. The last part was huffed out in slight awe. Like a person reading the history of something and makes an “oh wow” noise.

He said it in a way like all the time spent together meant nothing to him. That whatever they had was a lie. Like all those days pouring over the book about the world wasn’t real. As if all those nights exchanging dreams and looking at the night sky was a joke. As if those rare, lazy morning snuggles, which were so warm and safe, weren’t held as sacredly as the ocean. This can’t be real. This can’t be Armin. This isn’t the man Eren loves.

“Now then, if this is all you have to say then I’m leaving,” Armin nods his head and proceeds to walk away.

Eren stares at Armin’s back in shock and anger. His teeth grind together as he struggles to figure out how to get Armin to stop. If he doesn’t want to be with Eren, that’s fine, but Armin can’t live in solitude. He’s not that kind of person. He thrives on interacting with others. He needs it.

Why would he cut ties with everyone? It couldn’t just be the war. There has to be something more to this. According to Mikasa, the change happened drastically and his new behavior and attitude came out of nowhere. It happened after Eren and Armin fought. The latter became quiet and reserved while in the jail cell. Could it be he’s scared?

Eren’s eyes widen in realization. He inhales a shaky breath.

“You’re scared,” Eren whispers.

It must’ve been loud enough for Armin to hear because he freezes and looks back at the brunette.

“Excuse me?” Armin arches a brow.

“The reason why you’re pushing everyone away, it’s because you’re scared,” Eren says.

“I’m not scared. What’s there to be scared about?” Armin rolls his eyes, but his left foot moves backwards in preparation to bolt if need be. Armin probably isn’t aware of his own actions. The weird action proves that Eren’s onto something.

“After we fought you couldn’t handle the aftermath. You became scared of being close to people. You found it pointless since you’d only be betrayed again. You’d only have another goodbye. Constantly surrounded by death, why bother with people? You didn’t want to go through all that pain again, so you gave up on everyone including yourself. By the time you realized that what I did was an act, it was already too late. You’ve protected yourself all this time by forced loneliness, Armin, and you don’t know how to stop,” Eren whispers the last part.

“I’m not that pathetic,” Armin crosses his arms against his chest in boredom and irritation.

“It’s not pathetic! I’ve hurt you badly and this is your way of protecting yourself from it all. Losing people every day would make anyone scared to get attached to others enough as it is. But believing you’ve lost your best friend just as easily and not to titans...,” Eren has small beads of tears.

He couldn’t imagine what it must’ve felt like. He didn’t think of the lasting effects his actions would have. He never does. He believed he’d do his part in the act, finish Zeke, end the war with titans and the kingdoms, and go home with his loved ones. But now his friend is drowning, and Armin’s making no attempt at keeping his head above the water. Or more like Armin’s always been drowning, and Eren let go of his hand.

Armin slowly blinks at Eren. His frown deepens.

“You still find ways to make it all about you. I’m impressed,” Armin snorts bitterly.

“I’m being serious, Armin,” Eren says exasperated.

“So am I. Didn’t it cross your mind that maybe I’ve just changed and grew up? Do you honestly believe that people can stay friends forever? It’s childish thinking, and that’s the thing, we WERE children,” Armin unfolds his arms to rest his hands on his hips.

“You don’t believe that. This isn’t you,” Eren argues.

“And how do you know what is and isn’t me? You don’t know me anymore, Jaeger. You never have and you never try to. You’ve always seen me as some pet to take care of and protect,” Armin shrugs.

“That’s a lie!” Eren snarls.

“Is it?” Armin cocks his head to the side in mock childish wonder. With his lifeless, blue eyes, the sight of Armin is a bit unsettling. “Could’ve fooled me. You seem to have a knack for it.”

“Armin!”

“Goodbye, Jaeger. I sincerely hope we never cross paths again,” Armin leaves before Eren can stop him again.

The brunette clenches his fists until they’re white knuckled.

“Like hell I’m letting you walk away. Like hell,” Eren hisses. He runs after Armin and grabs his wrist.

“Let go of me!” Armin shouts, caught off guard by Eren’s brash actions.

“Armin, enough already! It’s okay! You don’t need to runaway anymore!” Eren says desperately.

“Shut up! I told you to let me go!” Armin thrashes his arm around to get Eren to release him, but the taller man squeezes tighter.

“Armin, stop running and face me!” Eren growls.

“You’re fucking insane!” Armin shrieks, yanking his arm fiercely in Eren’s grip. It’s like watching an animal struggle to free its leg from a snare.

“You’ve got to face this, Armin! You can’t just runaway,” Eren says. “You can’t be selfish and just drop everyone as if they don’t matter anymore!”

“Well I learned from the best!” Armin spits. Eren flinches as if he just got backhanded.

“Armin!” Eren grabs Armin’s shirt collar and pulls him closer to his face to lock eyes. “Stop it!”

“No, you stop! Stop trying to be the damn hero all the time!” Armin squeezes his eyes shut. His lip is starting to quiver. “You think I need to be saved. You always have, but have you ever entertained the thought that maybe I don’t want to be saved!? That I don’t need to be!?”

“Armin-“

“No!” Armin screams over Eren, startling the latter. “Leave me alone!”

“Dammit, Armin!” Eren yanks Armin closer and slams their lips together. Armin freezes up in shock from what Eren’s just done. What he’s still doing.

The blond shakes his head and tries to pull away but Eren isn’t having that. His free hand tangles in the back of Armin’s head, holding him in place. The hand holding Armin’s wrist moves up to cradling the side of the smaller man’s neck. Armin whimpers as old buried feelings start to stir up.

The brunette pulls away, eyes fired up with a passion and determination Armin’s never seen before. Teal eyes reminiscent of the Caribbean Sea he’s read about. It leaves him in awe. His mind a bit fuzzy from the kiss.

“I can’t stand here and watch you suffer like this! I can’t watch you deprecate yourself. You aren’t living, Armin! You’ll never move on until we talk and work this out. And until we do, I’m not leaving you alone. I’m not giving up on you. So you can hit me, scream at me, curse me, ignore me, hate me, but I’m staying god dammit! I’m staying!” Eren pledges.

Armin can only stare at Eren with wide eyes. His mind reeling. The two are quiet for a while. The brunette has long since let go of Armin. Eren’s brows furrow again in concern. Did he go too far again? Did he fuck it up even more?

“Armin, I-“ Eren stops talking when said man closed the gap between them and with a trembling breath, starts hitting his chest.

“Damn you! You just waltz back in and do something like that? Damn you! Damn. You,” Armin sniffles loudly. Eren’s eyes widen at this display. Has he made a crack in the wall? “You can’t just do that! It’s not fair! It’s manipulation! Damn you!”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Eren murmurs and embraces the blond, stroking his hair. Armin doesn’t resist the actions.

“It hurt so much! It still hurts! It hurts! I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I wish I could be numb! I wish we never met! I wish you never came back!” Each wish cut Eren, but he didn’t stop Armin. He didn’t argue back. Eren just listens and holds Armin. The blond is finally letting someone in. He’s letting out all the bottled up emotions. Armin’s facing himself and Eren. He’s stopped running.

“I hate you,” Armin declares, slowly and weakly hitting a fist against Eren’s chest. “I hate you so much. I hate you.”

“I know,” Eren hugs Armin closer and rests his chin on Armin’s head.

“You’re the worst,” Armin continues.

“I know,” Eren agrees.

“The cruelest man I’ve seen. Worse than the titans.”

“I know.”

Armin pulls back enough to look up at Eren with red, swollen eyes.

“Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“You know why,” Eren answers.

“Why...? Why do I have to love you so much?” Armin stops hitting Eren and just rests his forehead against the brunette’s chest in defeat, sobbing. “I don’t want to love you. It hurts too much. You’re unpredictable. What if you leave again?”

Eren cradles Armin’s head and makes the blond look at him. The pads of his thumbs gently wipe away the tears. Blue meets teal.

“I already told you I’m not going anywhere. Neither is anyone else. Humanity is finally living in peace. And if for some reason there’s another war, we’ll survive together. No one and nothing will separate us again. What I did was a mistake. I should’ve told you and Mikasa my intentions somehow. I should’ve figured something out. Nothing I say will ever express how deeply I regret that day,” Eren presses their foreheads together.

“I can’t trust you, Eren.” Armin whispers. Eren’s heart squeezes.

“Then I’ll just have to show you with time,” Eren smiles. The promise of there being time together has Armin choking up again. “You finally called me Eren.”

“Shut up. You just ruined the moment,” Armin looks away, puffing his cheeks. The brunette chuckles. He leans forward and captures Armin’s lips in another kiss.

“I love you too.”

Things haven’t changed. Not by a landslide. Deep wounds can’t just heal like they do in fairytales and love stories. This pain has been ingrained into Armin and Eren, and it may never go away. There will be many nights where they lie awake. There will be nightmares that are more believable than the true reality. There will be many sessions of therapy that seem pointless in the beginning. There will be times where they believe that it just won’t work out between them. But they still try and will keep trying until it does work because what they have is worth fighting for. What they have right now is a new start.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a serious weakness for hurt Armin and protective Eren. 
> 
> Armin gets hurt physically or emotionally? Eren, mighty morph into a Titan and kick some ass.
> 
> Thank you for reading! ❤️


End file.
